What now..

Okay, so tomorrow it will be a week that I'm not feeling good. I went to the DR Friday and he changed my meds, and gave me antibiotics for what he said was a sinus infection. Well, the pills make me sick, and so now I'm in pain, and sick because of the pills. I feel like a hypochondriac, like I'm imaging all this pain... like I don't know. Sometimes I feel normal, then a second later I'm down for the count.. I don't even like to mention it to anyone, because I can almost see them roll their eyes, like.. omg.. here she goes again.. so I tend not to talk to anyone.

All I want is to feel the way I felt last Monday, last Sunday... last time I felt good. I want to be able to be me again. I'm trying hard to stay positive, it's just really hard.. really really hard.

Tomorrow I'm calling the Dentist and getting panoramic Xrays to make sure I don't have an abscess, then I'm calling my DR, demanding I get a new antibiotic, and possibly an excuse for work for a couple of days. I love my job, and want to continue to do a good one, but feeling like this isn't cutting it...

Same shit-different day

Well Michael called me yesterday and said he talked to his manager and now he's going to be a regional driver, which means he will be home on weekends. It's alot more work for him, but he agreed we need to be together and closer. He also came home last night and we had a great night talking and bonding.. One thing I've always loved about Michael is his genuine love for my babies/our babies.. and they adore him.. When he's home, they surround him and just won't leave his side.. It's nice.. especially when I can go into the bedroom and just chill and not have to worry about keeping them happy and cheery.. sometimes even clowns need a day off.. ya know.

Today, this am, I still feel creepy, not myself... I have this ache in the bottom left side of my jaw.. had it before and the dentist and my DR., said wasn't anything.. but still it feels achy. Anyhoo, I made an appointment to see my DR tomorrow, to get new RX's, and of course he'll ask me to please touch base with him more often, and to please take better care of myself.. I actually think the poor guy has basically given up on me, because he knows I'll promise anything to get out of there. Only this time, I think I will ask for something more, a kicker, something to take the edge off.. I have Xanax but it makes me sleepy.. and I NEVER overtake, or grab for it when it's a bad day.. I ONLY take it if I need to get some type of control back in my life, even if it's for a day..

I told Michael on the way to taking him back to the terminal about how it feels to be me sometimes, how I feel so bad that there are people who have terminal illnesses, or paraplegics, or small children, even Lepers who would give anything to be in my shoes, just to be able to function on a normal level.. and how I feel guilty that I have a life that I obviously don't appreciate. I don't know if he understood what I was trying to say, or how I felt, but I do know he loves me, I can just tell. I told him I get scared when I have panic attacks because they take control of you, they make sure you know they're in charge, and if I could describe how they feel, it's like this; "You're on death row, and it's your day to die." Imagine having that feeling out of no where, just imagine looking around and seeing your beautiful kids and knowing or should I say believing that you're going to die, who will take care of them?? Who will love them like you do?? Who, who, no one that's who... and this is why I believe some women kill their children, it's simply because they love them so much, they know NO ONE else could love them like they do.. they think they're dying, and want the children to know love until the end.. That's how I feel sometimes, and it scares me.. alot!!

All I know is I've been able to capture realism before the attacks take their grand toll since 1992, but what if they take control and never let go?? Creepy..

Another bad day

Seriously don't know what's going on. I guess a person's mind and body can only take so much bullshit and they act out.. Your system shuts down and you become just a shell, and all your "true" thoughts and emotions surface. All the things you keep inside pour out. Not verbally but through tears.. each tear is for a lie you tell yourself, only your heart knows it and when it comes to the breaking point, it let's out the overflow through tears.. I know it doesn't make sense to anyone, but it does to me... and in the long run I'm the one one that has to understand it.

I still believe and actually know that I have more good days than bad... it's just that the bad ones come in full force, and take over everything.. my thoughts, my life, my body, my brain.. just everything. My DR says he doesn't want to give me drugs to make me feel happy 24/7, that he wants me to function normally, have ups and downs and I agree with him. It's just these bad days scare me... they make me think outside the norm.. they make me look at the immediate picture of my life, and when I do, I'm not happy.. I don't see any "in the long runs" today.. I don't see "it's gonna change".. I don't see me being able to function 24/7 with just me and my beautiful babies.. all I see is being alone and sadness... sadness for me, being miles away from everyone, sadness for my babies, who's entire lives evolve around me and no one else.. sadness that we're in a free world, yet imprisoned in a house with a big yard... and filled with emptiness.

I don't know how long I can pretend to be happy, I don't know how long I can be in a fake marriage.. I mean seriously, married and never together? I know he loves me and I love him.. just need to be closer... I don't know how long I want to continue living like this, if at all.. it is scary :o(:::