Scary

So, I worked with this gal named Kristine at SCI, and she's a doll, has a little girl who I've actually seen grow up before  my eyes. Great little family. Recently Kristine has been seeing this guy, I believe his name is Eric, and for some strange reason he gives me the chills, and not in a good way. There is something about him that just isn't right. I don't know what it is, but for some reason I don't feel Hannah is safe. Whatever he's done has to do with children and well we know how I feel about child molesters. I haven't told Kristine anything, because I'm sure she would of noticed something as she's very protective of Hannah.. All I have to say is I will be watching.

EXISTING VS LIVING

I know we've all wondered at one point in time why we're put here on earth, or why some of us live long life's, while others are taken too soon. I don't think we'll ever find the true meaning of life until we die, and by that time.. seriously does it matter? I mean that's like finding a cure for Cancer after you die from 'having" cancer, right?

Nonetheless, recently I've been thinking of an ex coworker of mine, we stopped talking when I quit working for her and haven't talked since 2006, but no matter what the tension between her and I is, the fact remains that one thing I always admired about her was her commitment to her children. She adores them, would do anything for them, is proud of them no matter what they've ever done -good or bad. Whenever she was feeling bad, all I had to do was ask how Eli, Ellie or Caitlin was doing, and that seemed to make her face immediately brighten up and she would forget about whatever ailed her at that given time. Her relationship with her kids is so heartwarming, they're like a big giant hug.. they've shared some good times, and bad times together, but no matter what, they could always count on each other to get through the rough times. I, myself never had kids and would envy her for having that special bond, but throughout it all, I always admired her for being the mom that every child should have, but seldom do.

This last couple of weeks, her son Eli suffered a stroke thousands of miles away, and she went to be by his side, and if I know her, even though her heart was breaking, she put herself on the back burner and made jokes, kept smiles on her face and did everything feasibly possible to let her son believe everything was going to be okay. Sad to say, Eli passed away and I can only imagine what she's going thru, I can only imagine what she's thinking, I can only imagine.. and this is why I chose to blog today, because this kid had everything going for him, good looks, funny, charming, smart, athletic, you name it.. and yet he's gone, and there are tons of kids out there who raise hell, do drugs, join gangs, kill each other, and yet they're all still here.. all still existing but not living.. when here is a young man who LIVED.. who was meant to be alive, was meant to get married, have children, and grow old.. ???? I can't understand it.

I've always said God only takes the best to use as models, but after losing almost everyone I was close to in the 90's.. that excuse became just that.. an excuse. An excuse with no backing, no reasoning, no logic behind it, nothing.. bottom line is.. 'life is unfair.'

So, RIP Eli, and all those who had so much to give and live for. Let's hope you've been promoted to a much bigger, brighter and more prosperous life.. You deserve it.

What now..

Okay, so tomorrow it will be a week that I'm not feeling good. I went to the DR Friday and he changed my meds, and gave me antibiotics for what he said was a sinus infection. Well, the pills make me sick, and so now I'm in pain, and sick because of the pills. I feel like a hypochondriac, like I'm imaging all this pain... like I don't know. Sometimes I feel normal, then a second later I'm down for the count.. I don't even like to mention it to anyone, because I can almost see them roll their eyes, like.. omg.. here she goes again.. so I tend not to talk to anyone.

All I want is to feel the way I felt last Monday, last Sunday... last time I felt good. I want to be able to be me again. I'm trying hard to stay positive, it's just really hard.. really really hard.

Tomorrow I'm calling the Dentist and getting panoramic Xrays to make sure I don't have an abscess, then I'm calling my DR, demanding I get a new antibiotic, and possibly an excuse for work for a couple of days. I love my job, and want to continue to do a good one, but feeling like this isn't cutting it...

Same shit-different day

Well Michael called me yesterday and said he talked to his manager and now he's going to be a regional driver, which means he will be home on weekends. It's alot more work for him, but he agreed we need to be together and closer. He also came home last night and we had a great night talking and bonding.. One thing I've always loved about Michael is his genuine love for my babies/our babies.. and they adore him.. When he's home, they surround him and just won't leave his side.. It's nice.. especially when I can go into the bedroom and just chill and not have to worry about keeping them happy and cheery.. sometimes even clowns need a day off.. ya know.

Today, this am, I still feel creepy, not myself... I have this ache in the bottom left side of my jaw.. had it before and the dentist and my DR., said wasn't anything.. but still it feels achy. Anyhoo, I made an appointment to see my DR tomorrow, to get new RX's, and of course he'll ask me to please touch base with him more often, and to please take better care of myself.. I actually think the poor guy has basically given up on me, because he knows I'll promise anything to get out of there. Only this time, I think I will ask for something more, a kicker, something to take the edge off.. I have Xanax but it makes me sleepy.. and I NEVER overtake, or grab for it when it's a bad day.. I ONLY take it if I need to get some type of control back in my life, even if it's for a day..

I told Michael on the way to taking him back to the terminal about how it feels to be me sometimes, how I feel so bad that there are people who have terminal illnesses, or paraplegics, or small children, even Lepers who would give anything to be in my shoes, just to be able to function on a normal level.. and how I feel guilty that I have a life that I obviously don't appreciate. I don't know if he understood what I was trying to say, or how I felt, but I do know he loves me, I can just tell. I told him I get scared when I have panic attacks because they take control of you, they make sure you know they're in charge, and if I could describe how they feel, it's like this; "You're on death row, and it's your day to die." Imagine having that feeling out of no where, just imagine looking around and seeing your beautiful kids and knowing or should I say believing that you're going to die, who will take care of them?? Who will love them like you do?? Who, who, no one that's who... and this is why I believe some women kill their children, it's simply because they love them so much, they know NO ONE else could love them like they do.. they think they're dying, and want the children to know love until the end.. That's how I feel sometimes, and it scares me.. alot!!

All I know is I've been able to capture realism before the attacks take their grand toll since 1992, but what if they take control and never let go?? Creepy..

Another bad day

Seriously don't know what's going on. I guess a person's mind and body can only take so much bullshit and they act out.. Your system shuts down and you become just a shell, and all your "true" thoughts and emotions surface. All the things you keep inside pour out. Not verbally but through tears.. each tear is for a lie you tell yourself, only your heart knows it and when it comes to the breaking point, it let's out the overflow through tears.. I know it doesn't make sense to anyone, but it does to me... and in the long run I'm the one one that has to understand it.

I still believe and actually know that I have more good days than bad... it's just that the bad ones come in full force, and take over everything.. my thoughts, my life, my body, my brain.. just everything. My DR says he doesn't want to give me drugs to make me feel happy 24/7, that he wants me to function normally, have ups and downs and I agree with him. It's just these bad days scare me... they make me think outside the norm.. they make me look at the immediate picture of my life, and when I do, I'm not happy.. I don't see any "in the long runs" today.. I don't see "it's gonna change".. I don't see me being able to function 24/7 with just me and my beautiful babies.. all I see is being alone and sadness... sadness for me, being miles away from everyone, sadness for my babies, who's entire lives evolve around me and no one else.. sadness that we're in a free world, yet imprisoned in a house with a big yard... and filled with emptiness.

I don't know how long I can pretend to be happy, I don't know how long I can be in a fake marriage.. I mean seriously, married and never together? I know he loves me and I love him.. just need to be closer... I don't know how long I want to continue living like this, if at all.. it is scary :o(:::

Time to wake up

Seems like I've spent my entire life caring for others or living someone else's dreams and I'm just tired of it. Tired of just existing, tired of being away from friends and family, tired of being alone, tired of this person I've become.

All I ever wanted MY ENTIRE LIFE was to have a small modular home, with a HUGE fenced in yard with a luscious green lawn for my babies. Yes, I've always known I would have dogs [babies] with me throughout my life.. :o) Yet here I am in Spokane (which I love by the way) but I want more.. I don't wanna be here all alone anymore. I want to be closer to home, but not on top of family. Closer to home where i can have Poker parties, BBQ's, get up super early in the morning and go pick up my sis Sandra and bring her over to sit with me while I work and talk about everything under the sun. Closer to where I can have my nephews and nieces come over and relax and just love them up..closer to my friends, who can come over and we can sit outside and drink Ice cold Tecate's with limon and laugh all friggen night.. just closer..

Since I left CO., I've lived in 4 places, and not once have I put up pictures or decorated. I have my closets full of beautiful pictures, memoirs, some antique tables, etc.. and yet I set here in the giant vacant house.. alone. This house was meant for a young family, not a woman and 3 dogs.

Today, I'm going to do some chores and them I'm going to look at properties in CO! It's about time :o)

Coton De Tulear

I will say when we came across the Coton breed it was because I'd lost my little Omar and Michael went online and researched several different breeds to see if he could find me one that looked like Omar, and that's how we came across the Coton Breed.

Beauregard is the BEST THING that could of ever happened to our lives, and when we wanted to get him a companion so he would always have someone to play with and we found Cheriee online at PetFinder.com.. we were new to the whole world of Pedigree's and when we found Cheriee we thought we were dealing with a breeder, but after receiving her we finally realized she was more than likely being brokered by someone acting on behalf of a PUPPYMILL. Cheriee had several traits of a puppy from a mill, she was eating her own feces, leery of people, un-trusting, hoarding, hiding, you name it. With tons and TONS of love by Michael, myself and her new companion Beau, she turned out to be the SWEETEST little girl ever.

When she became pregnant, she LOVED being pregnant, LOVED her tummy rubs from dad, and loved all the brushing and pampering and FOOD!! She has had 2 sets of babies, and we advised the VET our intent was to have Cheriee as a companion and not a puppy maker.. so we chose to have her Spayed. I will tell you... after seeing what a GREAT mommy she was, and her love of being pregnant, we THANK GOD every day we got her!! If she would of been kept at the PUPPYMILL, she would of no doubt been used as a breeder and would of never been loved the way she is loved by us. I cry when I think of what could of happened to her and what those little angels go thru.... it breaks my heart :o(

Cheriee has brought so many smiles and love to so many people, as we hand chose who received one of their puppies. We didn't charge an arm and a leg, because we loved this breed so much, we didn't think it fair that only wealthy people could afford to have them. ALL their babies have WONDERFUL HOMES, and are so loved and adored and I was able to keep their first baby.. my "SPECIAL MADE BOY" Skylar, whom I adore!!

Moral of the story folks!! These Coton's are a definite gift from GOD, if you are raising them simply because they're your income, SHAME ON YOU!! You are nothing more than a "GLORIFIED PUPPY MILL!" I have actually confronted a few Coton "lovers" about their breeding habits, of breeding in every heat.. it disgusts me and these people are no longer on my FB page, but they're still out there, pretending to love these dogs, when it's all about the money to them. They know who they are and I want nothing to do with them. So please, do me and yourself a favor, if you're in this for the money, please remove yourself from my FB page, because if I find out, it won't be pretty. Also, if you remove yourself, you more than likely won't be missed as I'm sure I don't associate with you anyway.. ciao!