What now..

Okay, so tomorrow it will be a week that I'm not feeling good. I went to the DR Friday and he changed my meds, and gave me antibiotics for what he said was a sinus infection. Well, the pills make me sick, and so now I'm in pain, and sick because of the pills. I feel like a hypochondriac, like I'm imaging all this pain... like I don't know. Sometimes I feel normal, then a second later I'm down for the count.. I don't even like to mention it to anyone, because I can almost see them roll their eyes, like.. omg.. here she goes again.. so I tend not to talk to anyone.

All I want is to feel the way I felt last Monday, last Sunday... last time I felt good. I want to be able to be me again. I'm trying hard to stay positive, it's just really hard.. really really hard.

Tomorrow I'm calling the Dentist and getting panoramic Xrays to make sure I don't have an abscess, then I'm calling my DR, demanding I get a new antibiotic, and possibly an excuse for work for a couple of days. I love my job, and want to continue to do a good one, but feeling like this isn't cutting it...

Same shit-different day

Well Michael called me yesterday and said he talked to his manager and now he's going to be a regional driver, which means he will be home on weekends. It's alot more work for him, but he agreed we need to be together and closer. He also came home last night and we had a great night talking and bonding.. One thing I've always loved about Michael is his genuine love for my babies/our babies.. and they adore him.. When he's home, they surround him and just won't leave his side.. It's nice.. especially when I can go into the bedroom and just chill and not have to worry about keeping them happy and cheery.. sometimes even clowns need a day off.. ya know.

Today, this am, I still feel creepy, not myself... I have this ache in the bottom left side of my jaw.. had it before and the dentist and my DR., said wasn't anything.. but still it feels achy. Anyhoo, I made an appointment to see my DR tomorrow, to get new RX's, and of course he'll ask me to please touch base with him more often, and to please take better care of myself.. I actually think the poor guy has basically given up on me, because he knows I'll promise anything to get out of there. Only this time, I think I will ask for something more, a kicker, something to take the edge off.. I have Xanax but it makes me sleepy.. and I NEVER overtake, or grab for it when it's a bad day.. I ONLY take it if I need to get some type of control back in my life, even if it's for a day..

I told Michael on the way to taking him back to the terminal about how it feels to be me sometimes, how I feel so bad that there are people who have terminal illnesses, or paraplegics, or small children, even Lepers who would give anything to be in my shoes, just to be able to function on a normal level.. and how I feel guilty that I have a life that I obviously don't appreciate. I don't know if he understood what I was trying to say, or how I felt, but I do know he loves me, I can just tell. I told him I get scared when I have panic attacks because they take control of you, they make sure you know they're in charge, and if I could describe how they feel, it's like this; "You're on death row, and it's your day to die." Imagine having that feeling out of no where, just imagine looking around and seeing your beautiful kids and knowing or should I say believing that you're going to die, who will take care of them?? Who will love them like you do?? Who, who, no one that's who... and this is why I believe some women kill their children, it's simply because they love them so much, they know NO ONE else could love them like they do.. they think they're dying, and want the children to know love until the end.. That's how I feel sometimes, and it scares me.. alot!!

All I know is I've been able to capture realism before the attacks take their grand toll since 1992, but what if they take control and never let go?? Creepy..

Another bad day

Seriously don't know what's going on. I guess a person's mind and body can only take so much bullshit and they act out.. Your system shuts down and you become just a shell, and all your "true" thoughts and emotions surface. All the things you keep inside pour out. Not verbally but through tears.. each tear is for a lie you tell yourself, only your heart knows it and when it comes to the breaking point, it let's out the overflow through tears.. I know it doesn't make sense to anyone, but it does to me... and in the long run I'm the one one that has to understand it.

I still believe and actually know that I have more good days than bad... it's just that the bad ones come in full force, and take over everything.. my thoughts, my life, my body, my brain.. just everything. My DR says he doesn't want to give me drugs to make me feel happy 24/7, that he wants me to function normally, have ups and downs and I agree with him. It's just these bad days scare me... they make me think outside the norm.. they make me look at the immediate picture of my life, and when I do, I'm not happy.. I don't see any "in the long runs" today.. I don't see "it's gonna change".. I don't see me being able to function 24/7 with just me and my beautiful babies.. all I see is being alone and sadness... sadness for me, being miles away from everyone, sadness for my babies, who's entire lives evolve around me and no one else.. sadness that we're in a free world, yet imprisoned in a house with a big yard... and filled with emptiness.

I don't know how long I can pretend to be happy, I don't know how long I can be in a fake marriage.. I mean seriously, married and never together? I know he loves me and I love him.. just need to be closer... I don't know how long I want to continue living like this, if at all.. it is scary :o(:::

Time to wake up

Seems like I've spent my entire life caring for others or living someone else's dreams and I'm just tired of it. Tired of just existing, tired of being away from friends and family, tired of being alone, tired of this person I've become.

All I ever wanted MY ENTIRE LIFE was to have a small modular home, with a HUGE fenced in yard with a luscious green lawn for my babies. Yes, I've always known I would have dogs [babies] with me throughout my life.. :o) Yet here I am in Spokane (which I love by the way) but I want more.. I don't wanna be here all alone anymore. I want to be closer to home, but not on top of family. Closer to home where i can have Poker parties, BBQ's, get up super early in the morning and go pick up my sis Sandra and bring her over to sit with me while I work and talk about everything under the sun. Closer to where I can have my nephews and nieces come over and relax and just love them up..closer to my friends, who can come over and we can sit outside and drink Ice cold Tecate's with limon and laugh all friggen night.. just closer..

Since I left CO., I've lived in 4 places, and not once have I put up pictures or decorated. I have my closets full of beautiful pictures, memoirs, some antique tables, etc.. and yet I set here in the giant vacant house.. alone. This house was meant for a young family, not a woman and 3 dogs.

Today, I'm going to do some chores and them I'm going to look at properties in CO! It's about time :o)

Coton De Tulear

I will say when we came across the Coton breed it was because I'd lost my little Omar and Michael went online and researched several different breeds to see if he could find me one that looked like Omar, and that's how we came across the Coton Breed.

Beauregard is the BEST THING that could of ever happened to our lives, and when we wanted to get him a companion so he would always have someone to play with and we found Cheriee online at PetFinder.com.. we were new to the whole world of Pedigree's and when we found Cheriee we thought we were dealing with a breeder, but after receiving her we finally realized she was more than likely being brokered by someone acting on behalf of a PUPPYMILL. Cheriee had several traits of a puppy from a mill, she was eating her own feces, leery of people, un-trusting, hoarding, hiding, you name it. With tons and TONS of love by Michael, myself and her new companion Beau, she turned out to be the SWEETEST little girl ever.

When she became pregnant, she LOVED being pregnant, LOVED her tummy rubs from dad, and loved all the brushing and pampering and FOOD!! She has had 2 sets of babies, and we advised the VET our intent was to have Cheriee as a companion and not a puppy maker.. so we chose to have her Spayed. I will tell you... after seeing what a GREAT mommy she was, and her love of being pregnant, we THANK GOD every day we got her!! If she would of been kept at the PUPPYMILL, she would of no doubt been used as a breeder and would of never been loved the way she is loved by us. I cry when I think of what could of happened to her and what those little angels go thru.... it breaks my heart :o(

Cheriee has brought so many smiles and love to so many people, as we hand chose who received one of their puppies. We didn't charge an arm and a leg, because we loved this breed so much, we didn't think it fair that only wealthy people could afford to have them. ALL their babies have WONDERFUL HOMES, and are so loved and adored and I was able to keep their first baby.. my "SPECIAL MADE BOY" Skylar, whom I adore!!

Moral of the story folks!! These Coton's are a definite gift from GOD, if you are raising them simply because they're your income, SHAME ON YOU!! You are nothing more than a "GLORIFIED PUPPY MILL!" I have actually confronted a few Coton "lovers" about their breeding habits, of breeding in every heat.. it disgusts me and these people are no longer on my FB page, but they're still out there, pretending to love these dogs, when it's all about the money to them. They know who they are and I want nothing to do with them. So please, do me and yourself a favor, if you're in this for the money, please remove yourself from my FB page, because if I find out, it won't be pretty. Also, if you remove yourself, you more than likely won't be missed as I'm sure I don't associate with you anyway.. ciao!

Michael

Well Michael has been home since Friday and I have to say I have really enjoyed having him home this time. He seems to be more attentive, more everything! This is the Michael I fell in love with, this is the reason why I never stray. Now how long he'll last this way, I really don't know.. but now I know it's kizmit :o)

True Love..

Seriously, what is true love? Is it when you've found someone that you think you can't live without or is it when you found someone you know can't live without you? This poses the age old question; would you rather be with the one you love, or the one that loves you?

I've met a lot of people, both men and women who I've had relationships with, and at the time I was in the relationship, I thought "this is the one", then it ended and a new victim moved into their spot. I will have to say in my life I've met 2 people who stood out.. 2 people who I could see myself staying with forever, 2 people who made me so happy and in love, 2 people who made me laugh out loud and made me look forward to waking up and hearing or seeing them in the morning, 2 people I can truly say I was in love with, and in both cases I cheated on them, and took them for granted and ruined the relationships..

Come to think of it I ruined all my relationships. I love the feeling of 'new love' where you are so excited to see the, your heart skips a beat when they call, making love is hot tantric sex everywhere and anywhere.. once that stage becomes old, I leave and relax and enjoy life awhile, then some other person comes into my life, and it starts over again.

I will say one thing, I have "never" gone out looking for a relationship, they just happen. Even though I've been fat all my life, I've basically gotten everyone I wanted.. 'I remember my friends at the Midtown Lounge would crack up when I'd see a hottie and I'd point to them and say "See that hottie over there, not only will I be fucking him tonight, but he'll be doing my lawn in the morning.".. One guy was a player, slept with every girl in the bar, but me.. then came my turn, his name was David Rodriguez, he asked me out, and I have to say he was gorgeous and charming, then after all was said n done, he braced me for the "talk" .. you know you're a nice girl, really had a wonderful time, but I'm not::::::: I stopped him::: right dead in his speech and said "Dave, have you ever had a one night stand".. to which he replied 'yes'.. I said.. "well honey, you're one".. this fool bugged me for months to go out with him again and I just laughed..

Now a million years later I'm with Michael, we're totally opposites and he's the "only" person I've never cheated on and actually married? Does this mean I found my true love? Or does this mean I simply got tired of being alone and settled? Guess I'll have to think about this one....

Posted by Winterbabie at 10:19 AM

Animal Abuse

Well, yet another horrible case of animal abuse. Seems some whore Porn Star actually starved her to Pit to the point that she almost killed him. He was found by a maintenance worker and thank GOD, was taken to Humane Society and they were able to save him.

I guess, I just can't understand what would possess a human to act like this? What would be going thru someone's mind to see their pet or child suffering and not do anything to help them? I can't understand how God allows this type of person to walk this earth, when others who were so wonderful were taken too soon?..

I remember right after my dad died, I had one of my nephews with me in the car, and there on the corner stood a drunk man, dirty, ripped clothes, begging for money and my nephew said.. "why did God have to take grandpa, why couldn't he take that man instead?".. My response was >"why would God want him, when he could have the best?"
I meant what I said at that time, until later on down lifes road, my mom told me to treat ALL people with respect, because you never know if they've been sent down from Heaven to test you..

Five years after my day died, my mom became more and more ill with her Kidney failure and had started dialysis. My mom always knew that I would give money to pan handlers who had animals, and I would tell them.. "this is for your dog, he relies on you for food & water, and you've failed him, much less yourself." Then one day when my mom was really under the weather I made her get out of the house and come with me to buy her groceries. We were at King Supers, and she didn't feel like walking around so she stayed in the car. When I came out of the store she said.. "Did you give that man with the dog some money?" I said "what are you talking about? I didn't see a man with a dog?" She said>>" yes he was standing in front of the store, he had a long beard, and poor thing wasn't wearing any shoes, he has a German Shepherd with him??" I drove around the store, and the entire area, and never saw this man with a dog?

About a week later, the stress of seeing my mom's health deteriorate was getting to me, I was at work and suffered a major panic attack and my manager Jean took me home because I couldn't drive. When I got home, my mom took me into my bedroom and laid me down and brushed my hair aside and said not to worry so much. Then my God Daughter Sami proceeded to sing the "Seel Better" Song.. lol! That's a story in itself.. My mom came in a few minutes later and said she and Mary Ann were going to go pick up my car and would be right back. About an hour later my mom came into my room with Taco Bell, and said.. "guess what hita?!" I saw that man with the dog again, and I just want you to know that he loves that dog and he's taking care of it! Someone came out and gave the man 2 taco's and he immediately tore a taco in 2 and gave half to the dog! I knew you would want us to give him money so we drove around to the front to give him some, and he was gone!? One week later my mom went to dialysis and had a heart attack and went into a coma for one week, and passed away.. To this day, I believe Jesus himself came to excort her into heaven.. and no one will ever make me believe anything else... The man with the dog was my mom's escort into heaven.. :o)

Michael

Well Michael has been home for 3 days, and it's been nice. However, I can tell he's getting restless and ready to go back out. It seems like he comes home to relax and just chill, whereas I am I assume his maid. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks this is a hotel? He doesn't do anything around the house except make sure "his stuff" is cleaned up or taken care of. I've asked him numerous times to throw all the can's away, fix the fence, the bathroom is falling apart.. and I seriously think he ignores it simply because the house is in my name and he has no respect. He also uses my car and has no respect for that as well.

I have a lot of time on my hands lately, and a lot of it is spent thinking. Thinking about how I moved to Spokane so he could be near his kids, and he seldom see's them. Yet, here I am alone in Spokane, and he's trucking around the country in his new found career. I know myself and I know I'm stretching my limits of toleration.. soon .. soon..

NO life

I've spent the past 2 hours in bed wondering what I have to get up to. I have 3 beautiful Coton babies whom I adore, have my own home, a brand new car in the driveway, bills are all paid, work from home, love my job, have people who love me, but still don't have life.

If you're wondering where Michael is in all this, join the club.

Dad

I've been thinking about my dad quite a bit lately? Don't know what prompted the thoughts, but I'm glad they're here. My dad was a very handsome, smart, loving man. I know he raised a lot of hell throughout his [our] life, but I can sincerely tell you that one thing he did constantly, forever, and naturally, was.. love my mom.

I remember for my dads funeral, there were all walks of life.. from family, friends, congressmen, senators to gang members. It was then that I realized how many lives my dad has touched. I'll never forget when some young hispanic males were walking into the church, they removed their scarves/bandana's to offer respect. Come to find out my dad had them money or fixed their bikes when they were young, and they never forgot "Mr. Gallegos." I remember one man who used to hang out at our Favorite bar, he was always alone, dirty & drunk, and I seriously thought he was a street person, however here he was at my dads funeral, dressed in a suit, sober and grieving for my dad. All because my dad had helped him in the past.

I have tons of stories, both good and bad, but all in all I just want to thank my dad. Thank him for teaching us to stand up for what is right, not to back down to anyone. I've used my dad's teaching and ways throughout my life, and people are amazed I know so much with no true education. I always say.. "my dad used to say:::"

I love you dad, thanks for everything :o)

Can't stand it..

I sometimes wake up in the morning thinking life will be different. All the hurt, pain and suffering that some of these animals go through will go away, some miracle will happen, something. I've prayed and prayed. I've cried, am crying now.. it just hurts my heart to know how some people treat their so called beloved pets.

But you know, I'm not innocent, when I was a lot younger, living with my parents, I had a beautiful Afghan Hound and I was too busy partying to care for her, had her tied up in the back yard... OMG, I'm just as bad.. I am so sorry Shasta, so sorry for not being the person I am today. May you RIP sweet girl, I am so sorry :o[:::::::
omg omg.. what did I do..