Well Michael called me yesterday and said he talked to his manager and now he's going to be a regional driver, which means he will be home on weekends. It's alot more work for him, but he agreed we need to be together and closer. He also came home last night and we had a great night talking and bonding.. One thing I've always loved about Michael is his genuine love for my babies/our babies.. and they adore him.. When he's home, they surround him and just won't leave his side.. It's nice.. especially when I can go into the bedroom and just chill and not have to worry about keeping them happy and cheery.. sometimes even clowns need a day off.. ya know.
Today, this am, I still feel creepy, not myself... I have this ache in the bottom left side of my jaw.. had it before and the dentist and my DR., said wasn't anything.. but still it feels achy. Anyhoo, I made an appointment to see my DR tomorrow, to get new RX's, and of course he'll ask me to please touch base with him more often, and to please take better care of myself.. I actually think the poor guy has basically given up on me, because he knows I'll promise anything to get out of there. Only this time, I think I will ask for something more, a kicker, something to take the edge off.. I have Xanax but it makes me sleepy.. and I NEVER overtake, or grab for it when it's a bad day.. I ONLY take it if I need to get some type of control back in my life, even if it's for a day..
I told Michael on the way to taking him back to the terminal about how it feels to be me sometimes, how I feel so bad that there are people who have terminal illnesses, or paraplegics, or small children, even Lepers who would give anything to be in my shoes, just to be able to function on a normal level.. and how I feel guilty that I have a life that I obviously don't appreciate. I don't know if he understood what I was trying to say, or how I felt, but I do know he loves me, I can just tell. I told him I get scared when I have panic attacks because they take control of you, they make sure you know they're in charge, and if I could describe how they feel, it's like this; "You're on death row, and it's your day to die." Imagine having that feeling out of no where, just imagine looking around and seeing your beautiful kids and knowing or should I say believing that you're going to die, who will take care of them?? Who will love them like you do?? Who, who, no one that's who... and this is why I believe some women kill their children, it's simply because they love them so much, they know NO ONE else could love them like they do.. they think they're dying, and want the children to know love until the end.. That's how I feel sometimes, and it scares me.. alot!!
All I know is I've been able to capture realism before the attacks take their grand toll since 1992, but what if they take control and never let go?? Creepy..
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