Seriously don't know what's going on. I guess a person's mind and body can only take so much bullshit and they act out.. Your system shuts down and you become just a shell, and all your "true" thoughts and emotions surface. All the things you keep inside pour out. Not verbally but through tears.. each tear is for a lie you tell yourself, only your heart knows it and when it comes to the breaking point, it let's out the overflow through tears.. I know it doesn't make sense to anyone, but it does to me... and in the long run I'm the one one that has to understand it.
I still believe and actually know that I have more good days than bad... it's just that the bad ones come in full force, and take over everything.. my thoughts, my life, my body, my brain.. just everything. My DR says he doesn't want to give me drugs to make me feel happy 24/7, that he wants me to function normally, have ups and downs and I agree with him. It's just these bad days scare me... they make me think outside the norm.. they make me look at the immediate picture of my life, and when I do, I'm not happy.. I don't see any "in the long runs" today.. I don't see "it's gonna change".. I don't see me being able to function 24/7 with just me and my beautiful babies.. all I see is being alone and sadness... sadness for me, being miles away from everyone, sadness for my babies, who's entire lives evolve around me and no one else.. sadness that we're in a free world, yet imprisoned in a house with a big yard... and filled with emptiness.
I don't know how long I can pretend to be happy, I don't know how long I can be in a fake marriage.. I mean seriously, married and never together? I know he loves me and I love him.. just need to be closer... I don't know how long I want to continue living like this, if at all.. it is scary :o(:::
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